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Category Archives: offbeat

Here’s some of the email exchange between Corey Andrew of Jersey City and Sgt. Marcia Ramode on Feb. 27 and March 1 as provided to The Jersey Journal by Andrew. Misspellings, capital letters and grammatical errors are as they appear in the emails:

Sgt. Ramode: My name is Marcia Ramode, and I am United States Army recruiter. I saw your resume on career builder and we have lots of vacant positions in Logistics, Administration…If interested please give me a call at my toll free number.

Andrew: Awesome! Sounds great! The US Military has so many vacant positions and opportunities. I had no idea. I’m seriously considering contacting you. One thing, I’m not up on current politics but since its 2007, I would imagine also that I am now able to serve in the US military as an openly gay man, right?

Ramode: WELL IF YOU ARE GAY WE DON’T TAKE YOU. YOU ARE CONSIDERED UNQUALIFIED.

Andrew: Wow! Unqualified to serve my country just because I’m gay? It’s because they think I might all of a sudden desire one last kiss from my fellow male solider if ever facing death at the hands of the enemy in a fox hole, isn’t?… Funny, the US Government doesn’t mind taking my “gay” dollars every tax season or out of my paycheck every two weeks. I’m stunned that the US ARMY could afford to be so choosey when I see sergeants on my school campus and in the local shopping Mall…begging teenagers to enlist.

Ramode: YOU ARE DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED, NOW TAKE YOU GAY SELF SOMEPLACE ELSE WE DO NOT TOLERATE GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN ANY PART OF THE MILITARY. AND IF IT BOTHERS YOU PAYING TAXES THEN MIGRATE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY…. AND IF IT BOTHERS YOU ABOUT THE US MILITARY RECRUITING THEN YOU GO TELL THE BOARD OF EDUCATION …. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE RECRUITERS RECRUITING IN FRONT YOU HIGH SCHOOL THEN COMPLAIN TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OR BETTER YET TRY COMPLAINING TO MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY… YOU SHOULD SAY THANK YOU MILITARY PEOPLE FOR WHAT YOU DO SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE A FREE LIFE IN THIS COUNTRY. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.

Andrew: Before you go on waving your flag all over the place let me first inform you, that as an African American who’s ancestry is most likely MORE deeply rooted in American history than yours ever will be…I respect the millions of soldiers fighting to protect my rights every day but just so you know, those rights include me being gay… I applaud servicemen and women everyday for their role in our country’s protection. However, for you and the government to deem homosexuals “unqualified” to risk their own lives and defend their own freedom as well as their country’s freedom, is moronic.

Ramode: OH I FORGOT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YES YOU MIGHT TO TRY TO KISS A SOLDIER IN THE FOXHOLE SO THAT IS A NO NO.

Andrew: You are living proof that “Don’t Ask Don’t tell” is a fallacy. You initially rejected me without any consideration whatsoever of my integrity, or abilities. This behavior is at the very core of the discrimination that has plagued the USA for decades. You should know that I never had any intention of joining the military; I simply wanted to have this discussion to prove a point. With over 2,500 cases of anti-gay harassment acts against gay soldiers, including bashings and murders, for you to say the US Military only takes “straights” is delusional.

Ramode: YOU HEAD OFF TO THE GAY LAND OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MORALS AND GET RID OF YOURSELF. PERSONALLY I THINK BEING GAY IS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL…. AS AN AFRICAN HAVE NO PLACE TO SAY YOUR ROOTS ARE DEEPLY ROOTED HERE. MY ROOTS ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOURS. YOU WERE BROUGHT HERE BEING YOUR WILL POWER WHEREAS MY ROOTS RUN FROM THE NATIVE AMERICAN INDIAN. I HAVE MORE RIGHTS HERE THAN YOU AND MY ROOTS HAVE BEEN HERE EVER SINCE BEFORE THE AMERICAS WERE DISCOVERED…YOU TAKE YOUR GAY A– OFF SOMEPLACE AND GO TO SOME OTHER COUNTRY AND BADMOUTH THE MILITARY…TAKE YOUR A– BACK WHERE YOU BELONG NOT HERE.

Andrew: Clearly with your limited vocabulary and poor spelling, the Army mayhave been the only option YOU had in life. Granted, there are highly intellectual people in the military. You’re just not one of them. …Native American history you are so proud of and research their position on homosexuality. They are very tolerant and accepting of homosexuals believing that the inner spirit is true to itself in its nature. They are less tolerant of fools than they are of homosexuals. So take that to your next rain dance.

Ramode: YOU GO BACK TO AFRICA AND DO YOUR GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE AND JUMP AROUND AND PRANCE AND RUN ALL OVER THE PLACE HALF NAKED THERE AND PRACTICE YOUR GAY MORALS OVER THERE THAT’S WHERE YOU BELONG….I AM REPORTING YOU AS SPAM AND ADDING YOU TO MY BLOCK SENDER LIST SO I DO NOT HAVE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN….

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A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

* The destruction of Pompeii in 79AD is the most viewed video at YouTube. The first comment is…”OMG so cool! Volcanos ROCK!”

* Attila the Hun has his own MySpace page. Nobody ever rejects his “invite a friend” emails.

* The soothsayer’s “Ides of March” email fails to get Caesar’s proper attention as it’s inadvertently filtered into his junk folder.

* But at least Caesar’s “Et tu Brute?” comment is available as a free ringtone download.

* The domain gladiator.rome sells for the record sum of 1,000,000 denarii.

* The owner of hadriansucks.rome is compelled to hand over both the domain name and selected body parts by an independent domain tribunal chaired by…Emperor Hadrian.

* “Naked Cleopatra” is the top search term on Google.

* Unfortunately, the Queen of Egypt dies an early death after misunderstanding IT’s call to embrace an ASP solution.

* Hannibal blogs his way across the Alps with posts like, “Whoops, lost another elephant today.”

* But he runs out of money when his PPC budget is plundered by an iberian click scam organized by Publius Cornelius Scipio.

* Tiber.com opens, initially selling scrolls and tablets before expanding to include togas, pottery, and do-it-yourself mosaic kits.

* Websites like handsome-literate-male-british-slave.com pollute the search listings thanks to generous commissions at the slaves.co.rome affiliate program.

* Roman programmers moan about projects outsourced to cheap coders in Mesopotamia.

* The Colosseum is renamed the eBay Colosseum, with free wireless hotspots outside the lark’s tongue restaurant.

* The volume of spam collapses when the penalty for not providing a working opt-out mechanism becomes equal billing with the lions at the eBay Colosseum.

* But we still get emails featuring Brunhilda, the lonely Visigoth, and hot deals on cheap peacock livers from Gaul.

* Nobody invents a spam filter good enough for the House of the Vestals.

* Classical geeks wear t-shirts proclaiming, “there’s no place like CXXVII.0.0.I” (bonus points if you get that one)

* Finally, Rome burns to the ground while Emperor Nero battles online with Hakkar the Soulflayer in World of Warcraft.

how good are they?

Look carefully, right side of the donuts.